8 posts tagged “funny”
Seriously, never take me shopping with you if you're looking to save money.
LOL, via The Onion, it's the story of my life.
Senior Hopes To Turn Love Of Data Entry Into Career
BETHESDA, MD—As she prepares to enter the "dog-eat-dog" business world this summer, computer applications major Lisa Milch, 22, said Monday that she is skeptical she'll be able to parlay her lifelong passion for data entry into gainful employment.
"I knew when I chose to work with computers that I'd be facing an uphill battle after graduation," said Milch, a senior at the University of Maryland, as she reordered a list in an Excel spreadsheet. "But when you love numbers and archiving information as much as I do, you have follow your heart and be willing to take a risk, no matter how far-fetched it may be."
Milch said she's always fantasized about working 50 hours a week as a clerk in a medical records department, where the "big-time" information processing and retrieval opportunities are. However, she fears that setting her sights too high could set her up for disappointment in the real world.
"It's definitely a long shot, but I just know I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't even try," Milch said. "It's something I have to do. I owe it to myself."
As early as age 8, Milch displayed an avid interest in quantitative measurement and numeric arrays. A star pupil in her high school business and typing courses, Milch said that a summer principles of information technology class at a nearby DeVry University first sparked her desire for a brilliant career in data entry.
"I know I might be listening to my heart more than my brain here, but something inside me keeps telling me to go for it," Milch said. "I've never wanted to do anything else. I'll take low pay, I'll work under fluorescent light, I'll telecommute if I have to—just let me do what I'm meant to do."
Milch is not alone. Across the country, millions of seniors worry about the difficulties of transferring their personal interests into profitable careers.
Wesleyan University senior Frances Hardwick said she's concerned she won't be able to find employment as a personal assistant even after graduating in the top 10 percent of her class.
"The only thing I've ever wanted is a life of service: taking phone messages, picking up dry cleaning, and getting coffee for the well-off," said Hardwick, who believes she will be in for a "rude awakening" once she is out on her own. "I'm not looking to get rich. All I need is just barely enough money to pay rent."
While these idealists continue to send out resumés and cold call dozens of potential employers, their futures remain uncertain, leaving each of them with the same question: Will the world find a place for my inner callings, or will it crush my deepest dreams?
And for Milch, the waiting game is almost too much to bear.
"Some days, I want to give up on data entry completely," she said. "I sit around wishing I'd win the lottery so I could just take one temp job after another forever."
Via Liza-Monette:
I swear they're always referencing Filipinos on this show, not just with Brian's cousin either, but I remember an episode where Quagmire got sniffed by Brian as a police dog and he said something about how he had sex with a tranny prostitute in Manila and ate lumpia for lunch. Ha.
I literally almost vomited trying to hold in my laughter here at work.
More stuff I found on The Onion yesterday...
Girl, Smoove Will Not Be Able To Attend Your Wedding.
Girl, while it has been almost two years since we broke apart, not a second goes by that you are not on my mind. As I have written many times in my column, the thought of you spending time naked next to this other man has caused me nothing but pain. You are my everything, girl. If we were to get back together now, we could win various awards for the ways we would sex each other up. You know this.
Why, then, would I receive a letter asking me to attend your upcoming wedding to this man? This man who is no good for you. This man who can only get into one tenth of the hottest clubs I can. This man who you admit focuses only on heart-healthy dishes, while I had seduced your body and mind by creating the most sumptuous dishes known to this world. Is this how you want to live?
Also, I have decided to write my response to you in this column, as there was not room on the reply card to say all that was in my heart, the heart that has been breaking ever since you left.
When I first opened the letter, I sank to my knees and cried out your name as loud as I could. Then, I began to break into gentle sobs while uttering your name in a softer and softer voice. Soon, I was on the floor, unable to move because of the great pain of knowing you were marrying this other man. It was a pain that was too much for even Smoove to bear.
Smoove wept.
I assumed you had written me a note telling me you could not stand another minute without me. In my mind, I saw the writing, clear as day:
"Dear Smoove,
Come to my apartment and take me now.
Doggy Style.
Signed,
Your One True Girl."Reading that, or any variation on it, would have caused me to jump into my gleaming white Mercedes and drive right to your house where I would have made sweet love to you until the break of dawn. Afterward, we would have laughed over how silly it was when we were not together. We would have had many tender moments like that between the sexing, which would have occurred all night long. Also, I would have brought desserts from the finest mail-order catalogs. We could have eaten them after we freaked.
But baby, instead I received an invitation to a wedding with you and this man who buys you shoes that do not make your butt stick out in an appealing manner. Do you not remember when Smoove would buy you shoes, dresses, and occasionally belts, all meant to accentuate your many curves, of which you have many? Especially the booty part of the curves?
Damn, girl, I would give anything to have you here right now riding my pony. Let me give it to you. Just one last time. You know I would break you off nasty. Girl, I have been in a constant state of grief and despair. I have done little but sit in my plush, fur-lined chair in front of the fireplace and stare off into space. My pain is like that of Romeo watching another man marry Juliet right in front of him. There are many star-crossed lovers who have been in similar situations, but my pain is worse because it is real.
I have even broken the Jodeci disc that I played the first night you and I consummated this universe-smashing love. You can see how upset I was. At this point, I should let you know that before I go to sleep in my luxurious round bed every night, I cry out, "Why did you leave me, baby?!" If I were to attend your wedding, I can't say that I would not do the same thing during the reading of the vows.
All I ask is that you give me one more chance to make you love me again and remind you what kind of a man Smoove B is. I will wear my finest white silk suit and craft with the greatest care a light dinner, or, if you prefer, snacks. We would drink imported coffee from my finest mugs and laugh about the old days. At times, I would get serious and explain why I am the only man for you. If the moment seemed right, I would kiss you and take off your shirt.
I could also light our desserts on fire. You would be impressed by the elegant presentation.
You are my chocolate princess, and I don't think I can live in a world without your loving arms. Let me feel them around me again. Let me get close so I can do that thing to your neck that I know you like.
I have composed a song about our love. Please keep in mind that, since I can't play an instrument, I would have to sing it to you unaccompanied, but the feelings will be true. You will not be able to keep from crying, knowing that the pain inside me is real.
Please let me know your decision on this as soon as you can. The same goes for when you decide to call off your wedding.
Until then, know this: I love you, girl.
Smoove awaits.
I get so damn bored at work sometimes so to entertain myself I go into the "off-beat" section of CNN.com and find hilarious shit like this:
Seriously, who says shit like that in a news article? CLASSIC.Ronald McDonald Missing from Baytown Restaurant
BAYTOWN, Texas -- A familiar fixture is missing from a Baytown McDonald's, KPRC Local 2 reported Monday.
Baytown police said a 6-foot tall Ronald McDonald statue was stolen from the McDonald's on Garth Road near the East Freeway on Feb. 3 or Feb. 4.
Officials said someone broke through a fence to get into the playground and then broke a lock to get to Ronald McDonald.
"He's old, but we want him back," manager Robert Ibarra said.
Ibarra said he does not know who did it, but he has a theory.
"Maybe the Hamburglar," Ibarra said. "They don't get along too well."
Ronald McDonald is about 6 feet tall with a white face and red noise, mouth and hair. He was last seen in a red, white and yellow outfit with big red shoes. Officials said it is unlikely that his appearance has changed.
Police said Ronald McDonald's estimated value is $2,000.
Officials said they do not have any leads in the case. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Baytown Police Department at 281-422-8371.
They actually had this story listed on the website as "Treed bear, sleepy woman scare each other," which was the funniest thing I'd read all day.
Bear outside window startles woman -- and vice versa
MAPLEWOOD, New Jersey (AP) -- The last thing Lorraine Grossman expected to see as she gazed out the kitchen window of her daughter's home was a 211-pound bear.
"I was making a pot of coffee, and I turned around and there he was in the window looking at me," said Grossman. "For a minute I didn't realize there was a glass between him and me."
The scream Grossman let out was loud enough to startle the wandering bear, who turned tail and scurried some 40 feet up a tree.
More than 50 neighbors gathered to watch and the beast soon grew tired. As the bear gave a lazy yawn, the crowd cooed loudly in appreciation.
"He's really kind of cute," Joanne Penaluna said.
The bear remained wedged in a web of branches until it was shot with a tranquilizer dart Sunday. The bear hung on for 10 minutes before dropping neatly into a taut net set up below. (Watch as cheers greet rescue of bear
)
The bear, a male estimated to be 2 or 3 years old, was released at a state wildlife-management area.
"It's not something you get to see every day," said Pete Samek, who hoisted his 5-year-old daughter, Lucy Rose, on his shoulders. "Bears falling out of trees."
